Relationship Patterns: how the past still runs you

Ever heard of a relationship pattern?  A relationship pattern is a set of negative events that repeats in your relationship(s) on a regular basis.

For example, if you are single woman, you may have a pattern of attracting unavailable men. These men may not seem unavailable when you meet them, may in fact seem to be people who are very much interested in a relationship, but yet within a short time turn out to be unavailable. You don’t go into a new dating situation intending to attract an unavailable man; in fact, you intend to attract only available once. Yet that is what happens repeatedly and you are seemingly helpless to stop it.

If you are coupled, perhaps you have a pattern of interacting in a certain way with your partner that creates distance or withdrawal either on your or his part. You most certainly don’t go into the interaction intending to create this pattern, and yet that is what happens and you are seemingly helpless to stop it.

Everyone has a relationship patterns, but did you know how these patterns are developed? They are developed in childhood and are based on your parents’ interaction with you. This is how your past still runs your love life.

The pattern of whom you attract or partner with is influenced by how you perceived the parent of the opposite sex parented you. The worst the parenting felt to you, the worst your partner choices as an adult.

The pattern of how you interact in a relationship is influenced and modeled on your observations of your parents interaction with each other. Specifically, you will tend to model your relationship behavior on your same sex parent’s behavior. The more stress you observed or sensed in your parents relationship, the worst your own relationships will be.

Alternatively, if your parents relationship with each other had no stress, you will tend to have a Pollyanna type view of relationships, expecting the relationship to flow smoothly and ignoring relationship stress until it’s too late.

So what are your relationship patterns and what can you do to change them?

To help you discover your relationship patterns I created a PatternTracker e-class that will take you through the process of ferreting them out. Working through the PatternTracker e-class will help you uncover the patterns behind your seemingly random partner choices and relationship behavior.

To learn what you can do about your relationship patterns,  listen to a radio show below. I was a guest on the Relationship RX show. The host of the show, Coach Lisa Hayes and I talked about all aspects of relationship patterns.