He’s Just Not That Into You And You Can’t Make Him

He’s Just Not That Into You And You Can’t Make Him

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Q: Fran Asks:

Dear Love Coach, I am in my early 40’s and so is he. We have been dating for a number of months. I like him and he seems to like me. My friends tell me that he is very much into me, but I am not feeling it. He doesn’t call much and he doesn’t seem eager to see me. Instead we seem to have settled into a routine and there seems to be not much excitement. What can I do? ~ Fran

A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Fran, here’s something I know for sure. When a man’s into you he will call and will be eager to see you, and so it seems that he’s not that into you. Perhaps he’s dating you because you are easy to be with, nice enough or safe. If you want to form a relationship based on those feelings, great. But if you keep moving forward with this relationship you will keep feeling the same way – as if something is missing.

Let me explain bit more. People are typically on their best behavior, their most enamored, romantic behavior at the start of the relationship. So what you are seeing from this guy right now is his best and top most enamored behavior towards you. And it’s making you feel like something is missing. This means as you go forward, you will either feel the same, or even more as if something is missing.

Some people believe that as they fall in love there will be more romance, more affection, and this is true. But, only of relationships where there is already romance and affection to start with, where there’s “into each other” feelings to start with. 

All Men Are Bad, Where Can I Find a Good One?

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Q: Anonymous Asks:

I am struggling with the fact that I have been in three marriages. The first time, I married at 19 after dating this boy since 15. We lasted nine years before divorcing. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Then I married a chiropractic colleague whose wife had died, leaving three boys without a mother. I later found out that he was a sociopath and abuser, and that his wife died at 48 from the intense stress of living with him. I lasted three years, she lasted 18. The third marriage I didn’t take too seriously. I married to help someone I loved (but didn’t need to marry) acquire his green card. He died of cancer before we could re-establish his work life. You would think I would give up by then. But I dated two different colleagues. One ended up revealing he had a two-year affair before filing for divorce (he was a divorce attorney), and that was why he could not attach to me. The other was temporarily separated from his wife and returned (a high school principal).

If that isn’t enough – the next “professional” I met was a co-worker (IT) who presented himself as unmarried. I found that he was married. Four months into the relationship, I learned that he had two little kids. He left her and moved in with me. But he decided that it was too costly to leave the marriage after her threats, and returned. I don’t recall “missing” a single nice guy along the way I didn’t recognize.

I equate my bad choices in men as a fact – most men are bad, especially when you’re in your 40s. I know I should have run away the minute I found the red flags. The problem is, if you are a hungry person, you might be tempted to eat food that is laced with poison.

What should an intelligent, attractive, 47-year-old professional female do to meet a compatible bachelor nowadays? I am getting of tired of wanting.

A: Love Coach Rinatta answers:

Dear Anonymous, thank you for revealing your relationship history and asking your question.
I would like to quote your question to point something out to you. You said: “I equate my bad choice in men as a fact – most men are bad …”

The quote from your question reveals that you believe approximately 50 percent of the population to be bad. Could that possibly be true? Could you really judge the whole half of humanity on your experience with five men?

Am I Wrong for Being Picky?

in BREAKUPS & DIVORCE Q & A,DATING Q & A,SINGLES Q & A

Q: Anonymous Asks:

I have been divorced for about 7 yrs. which seems like 14 since the last 7-8 yrs. we lived like 2 people sharing the same house. This was my 3rd marriage (1st husband died, 2nd 20 yrs. marriage and this last one 10yrs.), but one thing was different; I didn’t feel “alone” after he left. Most of my life I have been a “Care Giver” taking care of others: grandparents, parents, brothers, elderly neighbors, terminally ill patients, and everyone else that needed help…….everyone but me! This is the first time I have concentrated on my needs and what I want out of life. I wish I knew some of this 30 years ago (I’m now 60). My question is: most of my family (children & grandchildren) and friends keep trying to set me up with men. I work 2 jobs and do not have time for a relationship with anyone. They think I need a man to take care of me in my old age??? I’m working 2 jobs so I will be debt free before I retire (my ex maxed out the charge cards before he left). For the most part I am happy with my life. But nothing I say seems to get through to them. It’s not that I want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I have found that I am very picky about who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Am I wrong for being so picky this late in life? For workng so much? Note: I should be debt free within 2 more years if I keep working 2 jobs.