College is both the best and worst environment for relationships. The best part comes from the freedom and convenience of being on your own; the worst part comes from trying to turn that into any sort of lasting commitment. This is supposed to be a time to “experiment,” to party and play the field. We’re supposed to find our bridesmaids or groomsmen — not the bride or groom. But try as we might to avoid any and all forms of commitment, love can be a pain in the ass, and it just might sneak up on us anyway.
So this is a story about college relationships. It’s a story about hooking up, breaking up, making up, breaking up again and everything in between. It’s a story about one night stands, friends with benefits, first loves and fuck buddies. It’s a story that will show you what you can expect when it comes to love and sex in college and the terminology you’ll need to sift through it. This is a story about Mary.
Mary was a new freshman who arrived in Flagstaff in a committed long distance relationship with her high school boyfriend (we’ll call him HSB), who lived on the other side of the country. For the first few months of school, she stayed in on nights and weekends to video chat and talk to him on the phone; he was her first love, and she was determined to make it work. This brings us to our first relationship zone:
1. Long Distance
These relationships abound in the earlier years, but most of them die off by the first spring semester—not because long distance is impossible, but because it’s fucking difficult. Without true commitment, honesty, time and the good ol’ L-O-V-E, jealousy and loneliness win the battle. If you don’t go through this yourself, get ready to coach a friend through it, because you won’t get through college without meeting someone crazy enough to try it.
Back to our story.
Mary was afraid to meet new people because they might cut into the time she had to make to maintain her relationship, but she eventually became lonely and allowed a few new gal pals into her life. Then she started going out with her new friends on the weekends—drinking, partying, meeting new friends (some of whom happened to be of the male persuasion). HSB didn’t like this, and he began to grow jealous and suspicious of all the time she spent not talking/texting/video chatting with him. Soon enough, every instance of communication between them turned into a fight, and they decided to “take a break” from each other and their relationship.
2. On A Break
Breaks are break-ups for people who are too scared to actually call it a break-up, usually for one of two reasons: 1) The desire to break up is not mutual, and the “break” serves as a compromise, or 2) both parties want to play the field a bit, but they don’t want to cheat, and they want something to fall back on if things don’t work out. But as Ross and Rachel of Friends proved years ago, breaks are never really breaks.
While Mary and HSB are on this “break,” she gets all shwasty and meets an attractive fellow at a party. The two spend the rest of the evening getting all hot and heavy on the porch before Mary’s friends drag her back to her room. In the morning, Mary is pleasantly surprised to find she got (and saved!) New Guy’s number. She’s even more pleasantly surprised when he texts her that night asking if she’s out and if she wants to meet up later. She replies that she is and she does, so they do. This happens again the next weekend, and within a few more days, the two are texting on a regular nightly basis. When people ask Mary what’s going on between her and New Guy, she says they’re just “talking.”
3. Talking
This “talking” can involve a variety of activities, but it usually implies two people have expressed mutual interest in one another without commitment. They may have run into each other at a few parties, enjoyed a drunken hook-up or two, maybe even just held a number of all-day texting conversations. Depending on who you ask, it might be acceptable to “talk” to multiple potential partners at once (many do), or it might be considered deceptive and hurtful. But no matter how you feel about “talking” to more than one person, you should know the potential consequences of doing so.
Once Mary started labeling her communication with New Guy as “talking,” she subconsciously began to see it as a relationship—not a defined or committed relationship, but rather a steady path to one. She didn’t admit this (or even realize it) until her friend discovered that Mary wasn’t the only girl New Guy was “talking” to. Mary felt betrayed—she had seen their “accidental” run-ins at parties and flirty Q&A text sessions as first steps to something more, and she was hurt that New Guy could lead her and some other girl(s) on like that.
But then Mary felt embarrassed; she had never established any sort of exclusivity with New Guy, and so she had no reason to be upset. For all she knew, New Guy could have been “talking” to another girl before he even met Mary, not to mention she was only “on a break” from HSB.
So Mary decided to really play the field. After all, she’d always heard college is the time to experiment, and she’d only been with two guys. She was technically single, and she didn’t want a relationship; she wanted to date. So when Mary met Newer Guy in her marketing class and he asked if she wanted to “hang out sometime”—not grab a cup of coffee later or go out to dinner and a movie on Saturday—she was mildly disappointed. Could she call the plan for her to go over to his place later that evening a date, or were they just hanging out?
4. Hanging Out
In the dating world, “hanging out” is usually one step ahead of “talking”; it’s equivalent to what “dating” used to mean. Unfortunately, because real dating, as in going on dates, doesn’t quite happen in college (at least not at NAU), we just hang out in each other’s dorm rooms/apartments, usually watching a movie as an excuse to get handsy and fool around. In place of romantic dinners and nights out at Harkins, we hang out. Maybe it’s because hanging out is a hell of a lot cheaper than taking someone out to dinner and a movie, or maybe it’s just more convenient to get right to the point and head straight for the bedroom, but in college, dating = hanging out.
Mary and Newer Guy started hanging out more often, and pretty soon she found herself in his dorm room every night. Sometimes she spent the night, and sometimes they had sex, but there was no talk of a relationship. New Guy was still around, although Mary only really talked to him when she was out partying on the weekends, and after evidence surfaced of HSB cheating on her before their official break, the break became a definite break-up. Mary started to really like Newer Guy, and so she stopped talking to New Guy altogether. But when she thought about talking to Newer Guy about the potential for a relationship, she stopped herself. She didn’t want to be tied down, and she was sure he didn’t either. Mary wanted to continue hanging out and hooking up with Newer Guy, but she had no desire to jump into another relationship; she was having fun being single.
After Mary decided to not bring it up, Newer Guy approached the subject on his own. He also wasn’t looking for a relationship, and he also liked how things were currently going with Mary, so he proposed they declare themselves as friends with benefits. Mary was hesitant, but she agreed.
5. Friends With Benefits
This is definitely one of the more interesting relationship zones. Unlike Fuck Buddies (who function like committed booty calls on speed dial) FWBs do have a relationship beyond sex. It’s essentially a friendship plus sex minus commitment, which in college seems like the ideal situation. However, it never lasts long; FWBs usually either part violently or graduate to a real relationship because sex—especially consistent sex with the same person—is never just sex.
Mary and Newer Guy remained FWBs for the remainder of freshman year. They kept in touch over the summer, and when they came back to Flagstaff in the fall, they just picked up where they left off. Newer Guy’s parents came up to visit, and Mary met them. It was awkward, and when they assumed she was his girlfriend, she laughed but didn’t correct them. They each had other love interests throughout the year, and sometimes they’d go weeks or even months without cashing in on their “benefits,” but Mary knew they’d always be able to fall back on each other when they didn’t have anyone else.
But then Newer Guy met New Girl, and Mary lost her benefits. She thought she would have been more upset, but she wasn’t. She missed the convenient sex, but she was happy for her friend, especially after he told New Girl about his FWB history and she understood. Mary became really good friends with New Girl (real friends, not fake I’ll-pretend-to-like-you-because-you’re-friends-with-my-significant-other friends). When the two started going out, Mary was genuinely excited for them.
6. Going Out
This is an all-inclusive term that usually implies a couple is in an exclusive relationship. They might never actually “go out,” but they spend a good chunk of time together in each other’s rooms and are officially off the market.
Mary met a lot of new guys that year, but she steered clear of relationships. She loved being able to meet new people and do whatever she wanted without having to report to anyone. Sometimes she looked at Newer Guy and New Girl and longed for what they had—someone to come home to, to cuddle with, to do nothing and be happy with. But more often she looked at Newer Guy and New Girl and was glad she didn’t have to deal with the drama of a relationship on top work, school and all her extracurricular activities. By the end of the year, Newer Guy and New Girl became Facebook official.
7. Facebook Official
Congratulations, you’ve reached the most exclusive relationship zone. When you declare to the world via Facebook that you’re in a relationship, you mean it—it’s official. You also set yourself up for immature drama, though, so good luck. The reason why so many of our grandparents have remained married for 50 or so years is because they didn’t have Facebook, texting and all other sorts of modern technology to spawn jealousy, suspicion and drama.
There’s good and bad in college relationships, but the important thing is to know what you want and what you’re getting into. If you’re not looking for a committed relationship, don’t sign up for one, because in college things move fast, and you’ll probably be unofficially moved in and meeting the parents before you even declare your love to your Facebook friends. If you are looking for a relationship, don’t settle for being someone’s fuck buddy. And unless you really, truly think you can make it work, don’t commit to long distance. All college relationships are on an accelerated timeline and confined to an environment of convenience, so make the most of it for you and have a hell of a good time doing it.
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